Monday, April 07, 2008

My longest post.

squeeze me
I told my friend I just didn't want to go. No excuses or reasons given other than I simply wasn't interested. I was trying to appear aloof and cool, maybe a little bold. I'm pretty sure none of this came across. Anyway the truth was I was afraid. Afraid like when the new kid walks into a classroom for the first time, completely alone, presented to sixty big little kid eyes sizing him up. I was afraid my friend would ditch me once we got there for her real, better friends and I'd be stuck for three hours in a room filled with women I didn't know. I'd be forced to make small talk until my head started hurting and I'd have no choice but to lock myself in a bathroom stall to catch my breath and pee and stare at the stall door and try to wish myself back home. Snuggled up next to John on our comfy couch. But all the wishing and concentrating and willing my body to teleport would only make my head hurt more and I'd have to pull it together and leave my floral scented sanctuary and go back out there and try and find my friend or another familiar face so I could sit by them so I wouldn't look so pathetically friendless. I'm not really sure if this would all happen or not. But pretty sure. The strange thing about it all is that I really wanted to go. I wanted a night out. I wanted to be with my friend. I wanted to drive home with that "man, I'm glad I went" feeling. And at 8 o'clock while I was struggling to get the kids into bed I felt disappointed in myself for being afraid of something that hadn't even happened yet. And I shoved that feeling down and told myself that I couldn't change anything now so just enjoy your evening with John and I did. But next time I'll go.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

it is funny reading this seeing how different our lives are. You have problems leaving the comforts of home and family YET i have problems leaving my comforts of my regular bar and friends. I feel like i get all of my "family/kid/love" stories from you and you probably feel like you get all of the wild bar stories from me....so as sisters we are perfectly balanced. Weird, eh??

luv u~~ Heidi

Beth said...

maybe next time I will go too...or at least that's what I'd tell myself....but honestly, I'd rather stay home on my couch with my honey, where I know I know who I am.

vickie said...

wait did you go on a date with your hubby? you went right but it was hard? i know how that feels. i am ALWAYS on a guilt trip to take time for myself with friends or even with Norland. i have to put it on the calendar or it will not happen... so hard for me to leave them. i always thought that if i was home with them on a regular basis it would be easy to go but maybe it's not like that afterall.

love your thoughts here, especially being afraid to have the small talk and wish myself home...ahhhh so true!!!!!

sorry, i'm a dork and wasn't sure if your went or not. was it an evening out with friends?

Marz said...

you know you are super cool either way! I know I have been in bathroom stalls myself before like that, embarrassed at people when they come in and leave and then I'm still there. I try to act... um, what, bathroomish?... but still I feel like a dork even tho I am avoiding people so that I don't feel like a dork... isn't life just wonderful? ha ha

Amy Chionis said...

Um, I like the alternative? OK? The one where you cuddle up on the couch with your husband? Yes, that one. I am so often the same - I always end up having fun if I do go - but man, I'm a home-body, and as I get older (and tireder, is that a word?) I think more and more about just sucking it up and printing it on a t-shirt: "House-Bound".

jenica said...

i get it. i've always been able to make friends easily... when i want to. but i think you described the bathroom scene perfectly.

next time go, you'll be happy you did!

Kristi said...

I understand exactly how you feel. I feel that way in my life now as a single person once again. I want to go out and be with people and yet I make myself sick thinking about it. Next time listen to Nike. Just Do It!

Wendy said...

You know, at least half the time I don't want to go either. The cool thing is I always seem to find someone there who felt the same way and we end up having fun and realizing it was really, really good that we went. I'll see you next time.
AND, it's taken me six years to not want to hide in the bathroom! Hug.

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